Awkward, exuberating and exhausting – there’s so much more to sex than we give it credit. We’re so vulnerable to our primitive senses; a lingering touch, the feel of someone’s breath on your skin or even eye contact that lasts just a little longer, followed by a quick glance at their lips – the song and dance that preludes sex is almost as good as the act in itself. I’ve always believed that since most humans practice monogamy, looking for sexual compatibility in a relationship is just as important as any other parameter for deciding whom you’re going to settle down with – or at least this rings true for me.
While some women chase money and others chase a lifestyle – I’ve made peace with the fact that I chase lust. It’s hard to admit it to yourself because sex is so taboo in the society, I grew up in. Not that I question it because India’s largest population is made up of middle-class families that want their daughters to marry the personification of the cornucopia. Conversations surrounding marriage are pretty mundane. “Is he ambitious and working toward his goals.?” “Yes.” “Can he sustain your life?” “Yes.” “Okay so let’s take this further.” “No I don’t think so.” “Why?!?!?” “I don’t know it doesn’t feel right.” What I really want to say is “He seems boring in bed.” Imagine explaining to your parents that when you look into your potential husband’s eyes you can’t imagine him getting up to kinky shit when you’re in your mid-thirties and reaching a mid-life crisis and you don’t want to compromise. Awkward right? My friends too are befuddled by my choices to move on from men, and more often than not I am unable to explain that I couldn’t find the vibe I was looking for. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not chasing the poster boy of a Playboy magazine – I’m just looking for a connection. My therapist used to say, don’t beat yourself up if your boyfriend is someone you can’t do all the things you like with, its normal. Go out with your friends and watch a cheesy movie while he’s watching the latest Chelsea game – live and let live. You’re allowed to do things with your friends that you don’t with your partner. This is something that has helped me ease the stress I put on people to be compatible with me – but if monogamy is non-negotiable, and something I’m completely okay with, why is it so wrong for me to chase that kind of compatibility? I’m also not from the casual sex culture. I’m that girl who falls in love and believes it’s going to last forever. I’m old school in a sense that I enjoy the courtship, the chase and all the bells and whistles that come with getting into a relationship, so I won’t know right off the bat whether this works for me or not. That’s where the trouble starts. I date a good boy with the right intentions, he checks all the boxes… and then he doesn’t. Again, it’s not so much the act than it is the feeling that comes with it. The deal breaker for me is when I am not comfortable when I am my most vulnerable. I find that we’re all pros at the pre-sex vibes but it’s the post-sex behaviour that says a lot about people. It is in these tiny moments that I picture my future and decide whether it works for me or not. It’s the subtle change in body language that helps me judge if a man has empathy or if he’s selfish, does he care about my needs just as much as his? If there’s an incongruence between their lives outside and inside the bedroom, the relationship ultimately loses its appeal to me. Of course, I don’t spot it straight away, but over time in many relationships I realize that if in my pillow-talk you’re not receptive to my thoughts on life, but you expect me to be open to trying new things, you are not for me. There’s two women I share a soul connection with (I can feel you roll your eyes as you read this but it’s true) and they’re both older and married. They often laugh when I try to explain this to them, telling me that the fantasy I chase is non-existent or available only by being in a toxic relationship (lame and untrue but they’re old bless them and their ideologies). They tell me I’ll grow up one day compromising on what I chase when I learn the bigger picture. Only time will tell whether I’ll be smirking at our next sangria catch-up or them.
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