“Let it slide off you like water off a duck’s back”, “You’re too sensitive you need to toughen up”, “Why do you let it bother you so much?” My father and sister have always looked out for me and told me I need to get my shit together when it comes to other people. I couldn’t agree more.
My confidence plummeted at the age of 13, and it has taken its own sweet time to come back. Second-guessing my work comes naturally to me. Which sucks cause this negative self talk has disrupted both my work life and my personal life. Here’s how:
People can and will manipulate a weak mind
I’m not saying they do it purposely, but if you’re a pushover, you are going to get pushed over. You’ve heard it a million times before, but I say it once again – if you do not have confidence in your ideas, no one will. I’ve walked away from many meetings, wishing I had communicated my ideas clearly – especially when I am working with a new group. For some people being assertive comes naturally, for me, it takes a while until I open up and gain confidence within a group.
I recently had the opportunity to co-lead a group of people I had never met before. It was a disaster. My co-lead would throw subtle shade at me, take a lot of credit for collaborative work. I was put in a spot where I was made to feel second-best. The worst part, I brought this on myself. I walked into the group unsure of how to lead them, I had little faith in my ideas, despite having facts to base them on and practically handed over my leadership responsibilities to my co-leader, waiting to be led like a docile lamb. I enjoy leading a group, working together and so there was a constant dissonance between the image I was projecting and how I actually felt. I never want to be in that position again.
Lesson learnt:
Accept that I have a particular skill level and consciously make an effort to cut negative self-talk.
Delete words such as “I guess” “these are my views, but I could be wrong”, etc.
Think it and own it and accept constructive criticism as a tool for self improvement not something to cry over!
The quest for validation is full of disappointment
The incessant need to prove yourself, gain validation and appreciation externally is going to lead to a lot of disappointment. We live in a world that is always switched on. If our minds could run marathons, they’d outstrip Usain Bolt by hours.
The more we seek a pat on the back from our seniors or colleagues, the more subservient we appear. It has helped me work better when I leave no stone unturned from my end and let the fruit of my labour speak for me. You may have a client that turns a blind eye on all the positives you’ve brought to their business, or maybe your boss is obnoxious and incorrigible. Try your best to let it not affect you. If you’ve given it your 100% and cashed in that effort, you’re good to go. Don’t hate me for saying this but go one step further and empathise with those who never appreciate you – maybe that’s just how they were raised – without appreciation.
Lesson learnt: I’ve got to leave the exfoliation my skincare routine, not my personality. I need to develop that thick skin to negativity from outside and find that positivity on the inside.
Be your own cheerleader!
Look into the mirror and say “you go *insert gender of preference*. Why? Cause you need that motivation daily and unless you’ve hired a personal trainer, no one is going to do that for you.
We talk about healthy partnerships, workspaces and families. We lay emphasis on supporting each other’s goals and pushing each other to be better but putting that kind of pressure on someone, or a group of people 24/7 seems unfair. Echoing on parts of this blog, sometimes you need to order your own cupcake to cheer yourself up. There’s a lot of merit in being kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting a supportive partner or being that person for someone else. Still, as the old adage goes, ‘you’ve got to love yourself first’ and more importantly ‘unconditionally.’
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